I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
In America we eat man semen.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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