i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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