Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
