I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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