im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
