im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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