i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
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our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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