I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
