Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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