i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
