So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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