I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
