hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
