just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."