I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"