I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
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it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
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Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire