I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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