Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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