it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
