Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
