I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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