someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
