how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
