i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
