When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
