is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
