Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
