how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
