His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
