I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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