3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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