Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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