there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
