No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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