I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I wear drunk well.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
