She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
