She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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