she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
