I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
