We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
