We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
