i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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