I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
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I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
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I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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