I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
