Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
