I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
