don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
