The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
