yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
