Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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