i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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