I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
