ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
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