Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How's work?
Spinning.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
