Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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