I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
