Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
