Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
