so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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